


In Too Deep

by HPFandom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-08-07
Updated: 2007-08-07
Packaged: 2018-10-01 00:29:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10176386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPFandom_archivist/pseuds/HPFandom_archivist
Summary: Believe it or not, Severus Snape was happy once. Can he get that feeling back somehow, and the man he loves?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

Disclaimer - I don’t own anything, I’m just borrowing things for a while and I promise I’ll put everything back exactly how I found it when I’ve finished. Well, almost exactly how I found it ;) 

 

**A/N This is written around the song ‘In Too Deep’, by Phil Collins. All lyrics belong to him. Told from Severus’ POV.**

 

****

In Too Deep

People say that it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Crap, I say. I’ve loved and lost, and sometimes I feel like my life isn’t worth living. Before I met _him_ , I spent all my time searching for something that would make me happy. I had nowhere to run to when things got tough, and it started me thinking. I wondered what I would make of my life, and if anyone would be waiting for me at the end. I was only young, but these worries burned in my mind. I asked myself all kinds of questions, but I never found any answers. I used to cry at the top of my voice, but no one was listening.

Then he came along and saved me. At least that’s what it felt like at the time. I still remember everything he said. There was so much that he promised. How could I ever forget?

I also remember what he said when he left me. “You know I love you, but I just can’t take this.”

Take what? Was being with me such a chore that he felt like he had to escape? Or was it because our relationship was becoming serious? “You know I love you, but I’m playing for keeps,” I retorted, and I knew I’d hit the mark as he flinched.

He lowered his head before he spoke again. “I need you, but I’m not going to make this. You know I want to, but I’m in too deep.”

His words stung like I’d just been slapped. My mouth went dry and I couldn’t speak. Was I just a plaything for him? Some experiment?

He was speaking again, and I forced myself to hear his words. “Listen to me, you have to believe me, I didn’t want this to happen. I can feel your eyes go through me, but I don’t know why.”

I could have told him why - it was love. It was a true connection between souls, but it was gone as quickly as it had arrived. It was over.

I remember standing there, staring at him. I knew he was going, but I just couldn’t believe it. And the way he was leaving - it was like I was never going to see him again. It was like we never knew each other at all. I wondered if it was my fault - after all, I did leave him alone quite a lot because I was studying. Maybe I gave him too many reasons to end things. But I didn’t want it to go this way. I thought he’d always be here, and when he promised me he would, I almost believed him.

Even after all these years, I still remember everything he said, all the things he promised. I could never forget. And then a few years ago, he asked if we could make another go of our relationship. I was sorely tempted to say yes, but his rejection when we were younger still hurt more than I’d realised. So I answered him honestly - no.

“You know I love you, but I just can’t take this,” I told him. “Being around you is intoxicating, and it drives me crazy. But you always end up messing me about or hurting me. I do love you, but I’m playing for keeps. I don’t know what rules you’re playing by.” He flinched with each word, but I continued. “I need you, but I’m not going to make this. I want to, but I’m in too deep. You hurt me, and I can’t forgive or forget that.”

He was listening to me, his eyes going through me, and then he was gone again.

I received a letter from him today, after no contact since our last meeting years ago. He apologises for hurting me when we were younger, but he had his reasons. Says he had always wanted to be honest, but he couldn’t risk it. And now he wants me to know why we couldn’t be together. I wonder why it was so important for him to tell me the truth now, and then I read the next line of the letter. He is planning on killing himself. I swallow, wondering if this was all my fault.

I finish the letter and collapse in a chair. He is a werewolf, that was what he was hiding from me. How could I have been so stupid? How could I not have noticed it? He loved me, he never stopped loving me, but he didn’t want to risk hurting me. Ironically, that’s exactly what he ended up doing.

I realise that I’ve spent too long just thinking about myself. That’s how I ended up here, alone, with the love of my life about to kill himself. I jump to my feet and head to the fireplace, preparing to Floo to his house. I just want to spend my life caring about somebody else now, and I pray I’m not too late.

He’s stood in the living room, and is amazed to see me. I don’t waste any time; I cross the room and take his hands in mine. “Listen, you know I love you, but I just can’t take this. I can’t take us being apart any more, and I’m sorry I’ve been so selfish,” I tell him. “I love you, and I’m playing for keeps, so I hope that’s alright with you. I need you, and we will make this, if you want to.”

He smiles and squeezes my hands. “I want to.”

“And I don’t care if we are in too deep. There’s no other place I’d rather be than here by your side.”

“I love you,” he whispers.

“And I, you.”

 

FIN

 

_‘In Too Deep’, by Phil Collins_

_All that time I was searching_  
With nowhere to run to  
It started me thinking  
Wondering what I could make of my life  
And who’d be waiting  
Asking all kinds of question to myself  
But never finding the answers  
Crying at the top of my voice  
But no one’s listening 

_All this time I still remember everything you said_  
There’s so much you promised  
How could I ever forget 

_Listen, you know I love you, but I just can’t take this_  
You know I love, but I‘m playing for keeps  
Although I need you, I‘m not gonna make this  
You know I want to, but I’m in too deep 

_So listen, listen to me_  
You must believe me  
I can feel your eyes go through me  
But I don’t know why 

_I know you’re going, but I can’t believe_  
It’s the way that you’re leaving  
It’s like we never knew each other at all  
It may be my fault  
I gave you too many reasons, being alone  
When I didn’t want to  
I thought you’d always be there  
I almost believed you 

_All this time I still remember everything you said_  
There’s so much you promised  
How could I ever forget 

_Listen, you know I love you, but I just can’t take this_  
You know I love, but I‘m playing for keeps  
Although I need you, I‘m not gonna make this  
You know I want to, but I’m in too deep 

_So listen, listen to me  
I can feel your eyes go through me_

_It seems I’ve spent too long_  
Just thinking about myself  
Now I want to spend my life  
Just caring about somebody else 

_Listen, you know I love you, but I just can’t take this_  
You know I love, but I‘m playing for keeps  
Although I need you, I‘m not gonna make this  
You know I want to, but I’m in too deep 


End file.
